I’m a loser, clichéd self-loathing loner. My life is meaningless, my existence futile. I’ve had issues with mental health/substance abuse problems in my past. Psychotic episodes that were for public consumption on social media for all to see. I alienated EVERYBODY in my life, intentionally and unintentionally. 27yr old college dropout with no friends and absolutely no one to talk to about my life. No one who understands. It’s been this way for years, multiple therapists were all dead ends. I’m a virgin, a self-conscious porn addicted virgin. Ugly? Yes, of course. Still living with parents? What self-respecting loser isn’t? At least I’ve been sober for the past 2yrs, but shit, that just makes me more of an outcast cause everybody fucking drinks. Attended Alcoholic’s Anonymous for awhile, but I’m not really into lifestyle cults with dogmas that tell me I have to work the steps or die of cirrhosis from a substance that I have no control over. I tried to make friends there, buuuuuttttt, tow the line or get out. I couldn’t connect, I never can.
I have these thoughts, that maybe this life isn’t real and all we’re experiencing is just a subconscious illusion of relative truths and experiences that shape a greater cosmic intelligence to justify the ends of some means that we’ll never understand. Processed and reincarnated over and over for the purpose of intense suffering. My mom tells me all I need is Jesus. If only spiritual fulfillment were that simple. Maybe it is for some people, but I’m not wired that way.
I’m flawed, I live in bondage to worldly desires/impulses. I punch in and out, collect my paycheck while I make a lot more money for someone else. This life sucks and only cause I allow it to.
To all my fellow losers out there,
Maybe it doesn’t get better, maybe this life is what it’s supposed to be. Doomed to the social maladies and afflictions that we’re born with. Genetic predispositions that we can’t re-code.
Loser, total loser. Like-minded people only exist on another planet and I’m just sitting here, unable to connect. Always unable to connect. Fuck, I’m rambling but it feels good to vent. Thanks for letting me share on this pathetic site.
“Trust those who seek the truth, but doubt those who say they have found it.” – Andre Gide