I'm a Total Loser Because...



March 6, 2015

Feeling stonewalled again. Not by outside forces, but by the usual lack of motivation and desire to avoid responsibility that fumes within me. 

 

At least the vestiges of depression have diminished. 

 

In this age of defined roles in life, I still float. I always have. Some days that sensation is more palpable than others. Today may be one of those days, as I still recover from my boss' shock that I do not own an iPhone, let alone have a smart phone or data plan. Forget for a moment that the expense of both a smart phone or data plan is too much for me. To him, it's inconceivable that anyone could operate without one. And in his accusations, I'm a lesser person without one. Perhaps he did not mean it that way, as he's know to speak before thinking. 

 

What it demonstrates to me more is the impenetrable wall of elitism and ageism. His wealth, his power produce a worldview that means he can't relate to the likes of me. I am sequestered in this out-of-synch environment where I toil in a shadow of his world. And only on those occasions when he gets a glimpse of me in that alcove does it genuinely shock him.

 

I suspect I'm that to most people. It's why I've forever existed on people's periphery, a good guy to know, but forgettable at best. 

 

I fail to distinguish myself in a world crowded with bodies yearning for a spotlight of identity and respect. To be the fat guy in the cafe, to be glanced-at once, dismissed, or worse, pitied. The world has their apps to control weight, their gyms to keep in shape, their nightclubs and parties for reverie, their motivations found in the pith of a poster over their desk, their social circle that makes attractive Instagram pictures for the rest of their cast of characters to ogle and to which to aspire. Where does a dough boy like me fit into this realm?

 

The tragedy of this is, for some inexplicable reason, my children are still fooled. They're young enough not to judge, the world still catering to them and insisting that love is all that matters. I wish I could shield them from the truth. In time, our kids'll dig deep enough to reveal Pandora's Box and release all the demons of doubt, shame, failure which ghost its confines. One day my children will realize the failure that is their father. 

 

I've joked that I will never be anyone's gold-digging target. I will also never be anyone's Instagram wallpost. I remember, recently, how someone took a pic with me, and then cropped me out before she posted it on Facebook. It stung. But perhaps the sting was worse because I expected she would do that. In her shoes, I would have done the same. I don't blame her for the move. In fact, I applaud it. I will remain forgettable. I am sexy, desirable, a go-getter only on the paper written by a master manipulator. It's that which causes the greater disappointment when met in person. 

 

What picture of me do you have in your mind from my words? I'll see your image, and raise you shocking disappointment. It is that which will be cratered to my tombstone. 

 

I would love to sit with the world's greatest philosophers throughout history and get them to analyze this. Because that perception/reality seems bullshit to me. Perceive as I may, that plate of salad will remain a salad, and not the puffy goodness of a doughnut or the warm homecoming of a fresh-from-the-oven sugar cookie.

 

Speaking of homecomings, my weekly castigation that is a visit to my mom's house went over as well as it normally does. This time, though, she overtly called me irresponsible. Well, I suppose she's correct. God knows, in her mind, she wonders how she could have produced such an ugly duckling, one without the benefit of ever turning into a swan, both physically and financially. That's because you adopted me, mother. You were bequeathed God's great living poster child of irony and disappointment. A garish flop. 

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March 5, 2015

 Well, right now my life just sucks. I live in the shadows and am invisible to everyone. It seems like I'm a back-up friend to everyone. Or like a secondary friend. Whenever someone fights with someone they go to me to talk bad about them or just vent to me for no reason at all. I always get caught up in other people's shit. The worst part about it is that after they are done being mad about someone, they go back to pretending that I'm invisible and are best friends with the person that they are mad it in the first place. I spend all of my time at home and never go anywhere. I spend atleast 5 hours a day wasting my life on the computer or playing some shit video game that will lead me to nowhere. No one is friends long enough to get to know me, and they wouldn't like knowing me because I'm just a lump on a couch and that is all I'll ever  be in life. I will never be successful in anything unless it is winning a stupid match in a video game. I'm just a fucking nerd. I can never do anything like football or basketball because I will get winded in less than five seconds. Overall, I feel like I'm just a waste of space. There should have been someone born that would be better than me. I'm just useless matter sitting doing nothing posting things like this on websites like this. I'm just bored of everything.

 


  1. killjoy killjoy said: Bro, I'll be your friend. I need more.


March 5, 2015

You wanna know why I'm a loser? Well sit down, get a snack and get ready for a long story. 

There are a lot of reasons you could call me a loser, alright? I'm not ashamed of it. Alright, I am. But seriously, you wanna know why I am a loser? It's because I am stuck in the time in which My Chemical Romance was a band. Ah yes, I spend my days reading/writing fanfic about the guys in the band (adding in some Petekey because we all know that really happened), listening to their music, watching live videos and music videos, basically spending my days crying and wishing that my favourite band was still around.

Frank, the guitarist of the band happens to be coming to my town soon to play and I'm of course going. But the thought of never being able to go to one of their concerts and screech those lyrics that mean the world to me is earth shattering.

 




March 5, 2015

This site make me feel better.  It makes me feel as though I am not alone in my dispair... yet, the minute I close the computer, I'm back in the real world and can't seem to find a means of therapy.  I am a loser.  I was kicked out of my school and religion, (mormon), didn't even finish highschool, and am now living from park bench to park bench, wishing I had a toothbrush (I'm writing this from the library). I am currently gauranteed a life of minimum wage jobs, drugs, and misery.  Nothing makes me feel better.  I try to do better, I really do, but what is the point if I just get ridiculed for trying?  Nope, I think life just wants me to curl up into my fedal ball and except loserdome. 

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March 4, 2015

I Am So loser just look AT The Title I Lose Everything I Started a random Loser club There Were Only 3 People! (including me) xD Then I Found This Website Its My Favorite :D




March 4, 2015

I m going to be 22 in august. I just had wasted my life. Since i had born i haven't remember anything that i had done great. I tried many things but never accomplished on any. I played cricket, hockey, bollyball, football, caram and went to gym just as the beginner but after one or two days i get bored and left and stayed as beginner. I want to sing, dance make fun, but whenever i got chance i had not enough confidence to do. So i just watch others and feeling jelous thinking i will prepare for it for next time. When the time came when i was alone i just do nothing, just thinking for better future or sucide. I dont know how i will live this life cus i cannot even mastrubate, just the nightfall. I loose every argument, every game and everything.

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  1. THEHARU THEHARU said: read 1 first. 2 Then there is only great men in the world.so I think you can do something ordinary but useful.When you success in those and if you have believe in yourself you can enter to the next level( like something great by Step by step) .
  2. THEHARU THEHARU said: 1 I don,t think you are a loser,that you described is things that going on a ordinary mans life.It is usual to start something and give up at the half. You are only 22,you can lead a ordinary life.every man can,t do something great.
  3. THEHARU THEHARU said: 1 I don,t think you are a loser,that you described is things that going on a ordinary mans life.It is usual to start something and give up at the half. You are only 22,you can lead a ordinary life.every man can,t do something great.


March 3, 2015

Hey there!

I know i am literally a loser!

There are two sides in my classroom. One is the popular sides and the othe unpopular side, not mentioning my school's name. The popular ones sits one side and i sit on the other. Mark it reader!  that i only exist when they need help in anything, otherwise i am just a scrap of paper in one corner of the classroom. Even my best friend left me only to be friends with them. I cried, not because i lost someone but because i m such a loser.I cry over many petty things and losing a best frind who supported me for more than four years is really very painful but i had other friends who supported me in my time of depression.

I want to be journalist because i love writing and not only that i love to argue on which i agree and to slap on the face of the people by giving them a perfect explanation. I know i m not the very best but i like being in myself.

 

 

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  1. darwinthwarted darwinthwarted said: Actually, that thought went through my mind as I read this. You should be a writer. You've got a masterful grasp of crafting prose for someone so young.


March 3, 2015

I cry too much over fictional characters (i.e. Percy, Annabeth, Nico, Finnick, Gus, Tris etc.) and don't care about the people around me. My books are so persuasive that it affects my grades. I have anger issues. But they are genetic (yes I am blaming people). Some Wattpad books make me angry because of their stupid clichéd stories. Sometimes, I ship so hard that it makes me angry. Everything I do makes me angry. The fact that I'm writing this on this stupid website makes me angry. And the fact that I am angry makes my parents angry. And when my parents get angry I get more angry which just worsens things. And I have social anxiety. I hate to go outside.

People I'm scared of:

  • Strangers (duh)
  • Some cousins (without any reason)
  • My best friend's sister-in-law (stupid, I know.)

 

 

Wattpad username: Fangirlsdontkeepcalm (literally)

PS- does these things make me a loser? I guess so.




March 3, 2015

People tend to find me standing around stupidly, staring blankly at the ground or at a random person walking past. It happens. There are ways to completely avoid awkwardness amongst people, strangers and friends, and I know them. I can list them. I just can't apply them. I can't bring them from theory to life. 

I love emotions. I want to be a psychologist, for research purposes. I wanted to be a therapist, but then I realized that my voice was too demanding to be repressed. I've tried listening, and only listening. But it just doesn't work. I have too much to say, and I can't listen to people, and I hate myself a little for it. 

I act righteous, not lying, not cheating on tests, and hate arrogance and disrespect. But I barely listen to my parents, and I'm incredibly narcisisstic about my body, and at the same time I repsect my teachers and I'm insecure about the very things I'm good at. I don't cheat on tests, but that was only because I was depressed and trying to regain the self-esteem. I still lie. Small, white lies. But I'm trying to get past that. 

I've spent a year and a half writing a book, the first part of a trilogy. It's going to depress a lot of people, and because I'm socially retarded, I get the feeling that so will the main protagonist and I don't want to affect her like that. It's like passing on an illness to your child. 

Writing this makes me feel nothing. I expected to start crying, but nothing happened because I already knew all this. I already knew what was wrong with me. 

Only I can be the most aware of my own mediocrity. C'est la vie. 

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February 28, 2015

fisrt of all my english writing isn't that good so sorry for that guys

i will start from th begining since i was young i always had that feeling tha i was ugly and indesayrabale even do  they till i was a good kid but i always felt that my mam hated me even if my dad tried his best to make me happy and tryed his best to give me a good life now i'm older i know that the way mama acted whit wasn't somthing she wanted to do her to had a taf live so yeah it hurt till now but ok ; My hall life till now i always was avergae at school but i always had that disayire to be the first in class and make my parents happy but i couldn't even evryone how has been close to me told me that i am an intelegent girl and i feel like because when we are in classe when a techeer explain somthing i quiqly understand it and the first persone in classe always keep asking whwy and how and find it  hard to understind it but my problem is when i go home i'm a lazzyyyy person how do nothing but watch movies an eat . now i'm 20 years old and first when i was graduated from hight school i've enterd un university o science and thecniqse her in my country it's not a normal university it's butter but after one year i'v scroweed it badly like a major fail i asked my parents to give me anathore chance to change my life and pay a privete school for me even we don't have enough money they accepted but again and like evry time i failed evry exam been the last in my classe not motivated att all this is my second year her and after 2 and half monght we have the most important exam in our lives but will my mattes do there best to prepare all i'm doing is craying and beleving i'm gona failed the tests and then my mom and dad will be devestated and not forgetting my mom has a desise caled skirisomplake so she should not work hard or get nerves or she will paralized or lose seing or somthing so failling this test will end evrything a poor familly end i hate me i hate my self i hate beeing a looser i wish i could end my life without hurting any one not my boyfriend that i m with him for 3 years now and he is evrything a girl can ask for he is whit me trought all these and he stillwhit me true this i called him for lik evry night in 5 am criying about things and he still here o r my mom or dad no one gona forgive me for doing it i know . but really i can't take it anymore 

 

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