I'm a Total Loser Because...



September 2, 2017

Again, I face a decision I don’t want to make. My stupid brother and stupid mother are making this difficult for me, and I can’t act neutrally. Whichever decision I make will “mean” something. I am talking about visiting for Christmas or not going. Equally, I will regret either decision and that I should’ve made the other. No matter what happens, I will be full of regret.

My stupid mother’s favorite tool is guilt-tripping. My stupid brother’s favorite tool is blame. My stupid mother is catching on and also using blame as a tool. I am sure to catch both guilt and blame whether I go or not, and whether I decide to explain myself or not will also yield equally unpleasant, if different, results.

My favorite tool is predicting outcomes and telling people when I told them so.

Another regret I’ll have is if I decide not to go and my stupid mother actually kicks off before I see her again (I’ve limited family visits to Christmas and special occasions for 13 years). I moved far away because my stupid family drives me absolutely nuts but I’ll still feel bad. Her rapidity of talking about dying has only grown; while I dismiss it as her using her favorite tool, I know that one day or night, it’s going to happen. She has implanted that fear in me which means it’s a contrived fear. There should be no difference between talking on the phone and seeing her in person but she draws a distinction which means I am sure to feel guilty.

The reason this Christmas trip is contentious is my brother is fucked up and actually lost his mind—psychiatric institution style—and told me to bug off forever. He then told my mother that he said no such thing. My stupid brother and I have not communicated in over a year because I respected his request and stopped trying. Before he told me he’s not my brother, I was actively trying to maintain a relationship with that asshole, but now: fuck ‘em. If he’s just going to be a god-damn bastard face, then I don’t want to keep trying. In the unlikely event he tries to contact me, I will probably ignore him. Like I said: fuck ‘em. My stupid mother thinks I am responsible and that I need to call him and bridge the gap or some bullshit. She does not believe that’s exactly what I was doing when he had his months-long temper tantrum in 2016 (and as far as I know, still ongoing). She also does not believe that her sweet little boy would be such an ass-hat to me even though he has been to her and she knows he totally lost his mind, claimed rape while under care at a mental hospital, retaliated hard when I asked my sister to make calls for police intervention because my stupid mother thought it was better for him to stay in a rapey hospital while zonked out under who-knows-what meds, recanted his claim of being raped, and labeled me as manipulative and controlling for demanding the police get involved when I thought (because he said) he was raped. She’s willfully denying all these things and wants us to “just get along.”

Moreover, my stupid mother is trying to be an intermediary when neither my stupid brother nor I seek reconciliation. While I would be happy to forget that asshole, every time she brings him up, I just resent him more. I told her that if she is having any impact at all, she is only serving to make things worse, because while I might have accepted a call from him before, I am now determined to ignore him and avoid him.

He likely won’t show up for Christmas because he’s played that game for years, dangling it and making a family visit conditional upon family members acting the way he wants them to. Because I saw how openly manipulative that was, I decided that I would just show up once a year without conditions, act happy, and be honest, if pressed, about why I limit my family visits—but not try to negotiate about it. But now I need to consider whether I can even continue an annual visit because my stupid brother and mother have drawn me into their retarded game.

I am loser because that's what I come from. It doesn't matter what I do—I will not be able to escape it. More on my dead dad next time.

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August 23, 2017

myown sister callsme loser under her breath... particularly after i just watched a nice porn with some lucky nailing some sluts..an i cant even get a girl to talk to let alone attempt to get laid...i lost almost every job i ever had. Even had a government job and i managed to loser out and f*** that up by being forced to quit...i talk to no one and have 0 acqiuantances/frnds or any form of social contact..i had a car and bad luck made me crash it and total it..so now i really cant get laid or do anything at all. i was nice lookn a few years ago but since am now bald, fat because depression and isolation made food a comfort and then it got out of control which led to becoming semi-obese. everyday is just a slow agonizing death, all  i am doing by staying alive is prolonging the torture and sadness. my body and organs functioning n work fine but my mind and consciusness died because i shut it all down due to the agonizing pain and embarassement. my body is the only thing stil alive. ..I'd like to add that now horrific ugly stretch marks running along my waist and stomach (throws up) depressed eating totally destroyed my body!! made everting 100% worse   : (




August 8, 2017

I don't feel like going through everything as that depth of reflection makes me feel pretty sick, so I'll just brush the surface.

I'm over 30 and still living at home. Haven't dated in 7 years, or had any sexual contact in that time. The closest I get is when there's a sharp turn on the crowded bus I take to my dead end job. I do manual labour, at least that's what I tell anyone who asks, but what I really do is put things in boxes.

I have 0 friends. literally no one. I don't talk to my parents that much since everytime I do, I can see the disappointment on their faces.

I'm trying to get it together by going to school but from what I hear from the people that took the program, I'll end up at a help desk, helping people turn on their computers. I guess that's a step up or more like lateral movement.

I never thought I would be successful but I didn't think I would be a failure. I'm going to stop now, I feel sick.




August 5, 2017

I had a doc appt yesterday and during it was thinking about my hypocrisy in criticizing my brother for his meds usage and I do the same. For years, I have been unwilling to curb my Paroxetine usage because I was afraid of going back to the way I was when I was a teen. I DO still strongly believe Paroxetine helped me through some times but at the expense of learning how to deal with those times without medicine. That could be a reason people think I’m weird. I also tend to deny if something is affecting me when it may be clear to others I am affected. Getting rid of this secret medicine may help to remove the cloud of secrecy from my shoulders.

Wednesday was the last time I took a 40 mg Paroxetine pill. I missed Thursday and yesterday due to rushing out the door, which happens sometimes. Today is Saturday, the third day, and I’m intentionally skipping it. I took the missed days out of my pill reminder, and tomorrow, Sunday, my normal day to fill up the pill reminder, I will only fill it with multivitamins.

There are a few things I’ll need to look out for. Currently, I feel my life is meaningless about 3-4 days per week. Let’s call it 50%. I’ll need to see if that changes.

Before I was medicated, I had chronic upset stomach. It affected me mentally and physically. I had morning urgent bathroom trips and periodically throughout every day. I felt shameful about it, and my anus was always burning because of needing to wipe it so much.

Another effect of upset stomach was a chronic feeling of impending doom and gloom.

Another effect of upset stomach was very short attention span. It was very hard to pay attention to what anyone was telling me when I was in so much pain.

Since those days, I have learned a lot about dependencies and addictions. When I was a teenager, my understanding of addictions was that only bad people had them. I have since learned that the human capacity for addiction is used as a tool in social engineering on a conspiratorially large scale. Every person is susceptible to the phenomenon and must be wary of it.

Ultimately, I am responsible for what I put in my body. I am very aware that I have *chosen* to continue with my regimen of a mind-altering substance, believing the benefits to be greater than the drawbacks. At the age of 34 years and 4 months, I have spent approximately 15 years under the influence of doctor-prescribed substances because of the belief that I function on a higher level and am ultimately a better person under the influence of these medicines. Further, Paroxetine and its cousins are not intensely regulated distribution-wise, expensive, or hard to get a hold of.

But I still have this nagging feeling that I’m not normal because of my usage of this chemical concoction. I should be able to overcome my hardships by leveraging knowledge to change my circumstances. My answer to changing my circumstances has been to consume the drug. Yes, it physically changes my insides. My mind and gut function differently because of it. But what if I could do something less reliant on an industry which seeks to have me buy its pills for the rest of my days? I’m not delusional in thinking I can make it without buying products. I know I can’t. Should I draw a distinction between food and chemicals? I can’t strongly say one way or another. I have felt benefits and their opposite, simultaneously. Unfortunately, I can’t choose to both use and not use the drug at the same time.

In the last 15 years, my dosage has increased and decreased, changed brands, changed combinations, changed release mechanisms (continuous or extended release vs. non continuous or extended release), changed surrounding factors such as alcohol consumption, relationship status, and work environment, and changed consistency from never missing a day, to missing several days in a row, to sporadically missing a day here or there. If, at the end of my days, I am to be judged based on my array of life experiences during that time, I believe I will get a thumbs-up for variety but a thumbs-down for failing to achieve that variety without an industrially produced and sold to me for profit chemical altering my psyche at all times (and my insistence that I need it). I’m still not 100% convinced that I don’t need it, but at the here and now, I am ready to admit that I could’ve been wrong. Perhaps I did not tread the most wholesome or enlightened path. I am ready to attempt to live in a way that is less conducive to being strung along by those who seek to profit by telling me it’s good for me.

Begin 1 month.

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  1. Loser4life Loser4life said: hey , u probly not (cannot) be worse than me..so it sounds like you just have a brain/mind impairment. my sister and i have the same thing..its just a chemical thing in your head and sometimes it manifests worse in certain people, i kno how it is


Loser of the Week
June 3, 2017

I'm a big loser. I'm 61 years old. My dick is so small. It's basically just a dickhead that sticks out of my groin. I'm about 1 inch to 1 1/2 inches soft. I have to shave off my pubes to be able to see my dick. When I'm hard, I'm about 4 1/2 inches, max. That's not all. I'm a two pump chump. But I'll talk about that later. Daaave hit193@yahoo.com

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  1. darwinthwarted darwinthwarted said: Yep. It is a curse. And at our age, it's made worse by the fact that the women we're most likely to date and be intimate with have had children. Which, of course, means they generally need larger to enjoy sex.
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Loser of the Week
April 21, 2017

But I'm getting used to it so it isn't as painful as it used to be. I have gotten rid of all my social media so I'm not really getting any feedback anybody any longer. It's painful and lonely but I reckon it's better this way. I'm facing reality head on. It is what it is. You guys take care.

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  1. Digdug Digdug thinks you're a loser
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April 6, 2017

FUCK EVERYONE!!!!!! IT SEEMS EVERYONE CAN GET WHAT THEY WANT AND LOOK GOOD, BUT NOT ME!!!! FUCK ALL YOU BASTARDS!!!! CAN I WIN AT LEAST ONCE!!!!! FUCK ALL YOU BASTARDS!!!!!!!

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March 7, 2017

Once again, I saw someone laughing at me today. Why does everyone laugh at me? Am I really a funny looking person?? I could never win. All people do is stare and laugh at me all today.  It was would be nice for once if someone doesn't laugh or make fun at me.

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  1. RejectBastard RejectBastard thinks you're a loser
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February 6, 2017

I had a birthday two days ago, and although I got a book on gospel music, I'll still be a loser no matter what a person says.


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January 31, 2017
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