seriously? what's the point...writing this? well, either this or crawl back into my bed crying again. would it really even make a difference?
I should have never been born. unwanted and unloved. story of my life. I'm the bastard conceived in wedlock, but unwanted all the same. older brother...I once heard mum considered having an abortion when she got pregnant with him, and yet she was married when she got preggy with me yet I feel like I was the one up for abortion. would have been better if I was. would have been better for everyone if I was. waste of space. just a burden. never amount to anything, doesn't matter how hard I try.
what's the point? I'm a living ghost. neglected most of my childhood. grew up thinking I didn't have a father. basically true. that man was never anyone's father and probably never will be anyone's father no matter how many more illegite or even legit offspring he sires. of course bro looks up to him. they're just the same, yet I'm the one who gets bitch slapped in the face for looking like him when I more like look like his mum than anyone else on that side? at least a slap in the face reminds me I'm alive. its something. better to be abused than neglected. at least then I know I exist...though I wish I didn't.
was never thought of much. only girl growing up wearing boys hand me downs. the boys got away with everything. wished I was a boy cause I thought that was what was wrong with me. wasn't loved cause I was a girl. maybe that's true. mum once told me that my aunt should have loved me. always wanted a daughter. hers was still born or something but...maybe that was why I was hated even more. why did my mum get to have a daughter and not her? I suppose it doesn't matter. unwanted is still unwanted. boys could do whatever they wanted to me, and oh did they. I was a liar unless one of them was on my side. they could break and deface my dolls and no one would get their asses bared and tore up with a belt until either they stopped crying or received the prescribed amount of lashes...whichever came last. yet wake up one morning on the floor tangled in cassette tape and the crybaby gets a lecture, her prized possession, which had already had its fur cut without any justicve done, threatened, and the ass beating. yeah, they were right when they told me no one would believe me if I told them what they did to me...not that I even knew at 8 or less years what they were doing to me, or trying to do. I wasn't so pathetic that I didn't try to struggle.
why did I ever have hope? where has this false hope gotten me? little false hopes of affection, but I suppose I've always known...just been too naive to accept. I'll die alone someday...by my own hand most likely, though it'll take me being completely abandoned to do it. a promise is a promise after all. can't break it even if I wanted. I've tried. bound by my word, what can I say? friends...never had very many, but they came and go. some moved away. can't be helped. sometimes it was me who moved away. but mostly, most lately in my life...they just abandon me. disconnect. I disappear. become a ghost. like I don't exist. which I shouldn't. everyone would be better off and happier.
jobless. wasn't always. didn't get my first job til my 20s. education came first. last job...almost 7 years. best customer service. I hear some of them still ask about me. told two of them my situation. fired, but not fired. very fitting for someone who exists, yet doesn't. thanks I get? well, at least I still have the employee discount. I was getting nowhere there. no room for upward mobility. all I had was my customer service. an untrained monkey could do my job. all you had to do was have a good attitude, or at least fake it. put on that happy mask I used to wear. only smiled at work. home was, and is where I'm free to be miserable. its a miserable place and its not like my family really notices let alone cares.
one of my friends...she's had it rough...worse life than me. never as good as her other siblings...cancer...parents putting her down...and yet she rarely fells to remind me how much of a loser I am. said I should have gotten my license a long time ago. been wanting to drive for over half my life now. never had any illusions of getting a car for sweet 16. poor white trash you know. queens...entitled. mum likes to think we're middle class, even middle middle or upper middle. how many single parent families are really middle class? maybe upper lower, but really? at least I have my own room. only got to share it with the cats, and that's fine. queens...only in their mind. little bitch girl on their beck and call. what else is there? they aren't my family even if they're blood, or should I say, I'm not they're family. just the live in help who doesn't get paid. still...not so bad as it used to be I suppose.
going no where fast. I'll never pass my road test. I cut someone off. how could I do that? don't deserve to drive, let alone live.
dying? why be afraid? if there is nothing after this life, then there is nothing to fear. yet if there is a paradise...then be good and you have nothing to fear. if there is a hell, yes, there is something to fear if you have not been good. still...living is what we should fear. look at this world. filled with poison and hate and suffering. no love...or at least it is fleeting or merely illusion. or maybe that's just my lot. nobody will ever love me. for the best. it'll only be suffering, pain, and death otherwise. alone and unloved...my fate. can't seem to shake such childhood premonition. can pretend it isn't true, but that alone won't avoid it.
what can I do? doesn't matter what I do. always the same. pointlessness. nothingness. invisible little ghost. it'll all end up alone. empty, alone, rejected, and neglected. never should have been born. never should exist. merely a plague. a burden. waste of space.